My memory is sometimes poor. Dates and times slip away because I’m off to the next adventure once the party or event is over.
In September, the kids and I went to Chillicothe just to wander as we love to do. It was a beautiful day. Indian summer we would call it. Warm, beautiful. As we wandered through an entire herd of deer walked out of the forest. The kids stopped dead in their tracks and then Alexander crouch down like a little Indian boy and started to whisper. I giggled. Bella said, “What the” and looked back at me in wonder. I giggled, smiled. Both kids took off running straight at the deer as I started to take photos. It was beautiful. My smile turned inward because I knew an event was coming. When deer present themselves to me in mass, an event is coming. Typically, a presentation, a big event, an ending of some sort is coming. A life changing event is coming. Typically, it’s scary for me. No one can say they like scary things, not really. Scary things can be good. But, wow, the beginning of them suck.
One month later I found myself hanging out with my sisters Joy and Jen. We were known as the Trinity. An unlikely trio. October 2013. A soft rain was failing. We were on the back porch. I remember thinking “We need a fire” and joy said “let’s go” Jen said “I’ll stop it” and the rain stopped. For a minute.
Or two. We started a fire that day and for some reason, though it had been raining, the fire burned hot. I stood at the north which was unusual, Joy was at the south, also strange. Never the less. The fire was burning. We joined hands and I said that we should bring change to our lives. Release the negativity we had created. Pray for our mothers to release their pain. I will never forget that moment ever. I prayed that my mother’s pain would be released. In October.
At the time, I Knew she was addicted to pain medications. I knew she was drugging herself with sugary foods and junk although she was diabetic. I knew she was taking sleeping pills to sleep away her life and I was exhausted from trying to talk to her about depression and I didn’t know what to DO anymore. And… I had forever felt that she was slowly dying.
So, I went to a bonfire and I prayed that my mother’s pain would be released.
6 months ago, I would have written this story by saying-
Because I was such a horrible daughter and went to that bonfire and praying for my mother I somehow caused my mother’s death. I actually had the power to cause her damn apartment to burn down. Oh, my God.
Instead I can tell you this, my sisters and I stood in front of a fire and prayed for the release of my mother’s pain. I am thankful that it was released and I am truly grateful that we were able to have four months of good time with her. That is for certain. I am really glad that we were able to save all of the photos. I am really glad that were were able to donate her tissue just like she wanted us to. That is what I am thankful for. I am truly thankful for. I am truly humbled and honored to have been blessed by this graceful soul that called me her heart.
I am also thankful the deer gave me a heads up.